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If you go to that first date with the objective of finding out as much as you can about your date you will always win. Why? – because by learning to listen you show that your not self centered, you are showing them that you are a caring person. Which will put your date at ease and when they are at ease they will relax and open up to you. And by opening up you get to really know what they are like, you will begin to very quickly see things you have in common, or if there are problem areas, none of which will happen if you just spend the evening talking about yourself!

With the young there is simply often no more than a sexual attraction, young lads are supposed to be confident and fun, but when you are mature and dating things are so much more complicated. Yes a physical attraction must to a degree be there, but at the heart of any good relationship that works you will find two people who get on at so many other, and deeper, levels. To see what a person is like and to know if that person is right for us we need to really get to know them, and to do this we need to learn to listen!

I’m not suggesting that you just sit there and hope that they will start the conversation, no rather I’m suggesting that you ask questions, and then learn to let them talk. Let your date finish what they have to say with out you jumping in to give your opinion, or seeing it as a green light to launch into a long story about yourself. If all goes well they will feel a warmth about you, as the date progresses they will begin to feel at ease and then intrigued by you. Which will of course lead to them asking questions about you, and of course you now will be able to answer those questions in a relaxed state, talking as you are to someone you now feel is no longer a complete stranger. As I say when you are dating on line it pays to listen.

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Dating on line , where fools still rush in!

No one can fail to see the explosion of the Internet and it's effect on every one of us in Australia, from the decline of the high street in our towns and cities, to it's cited answer to all our problems. But it's not without it's problems, take dating on line, people from all over the country, and every background join dating on line sites everyday, convinced that they’re going to find that someone special in a matter of hours. The Internet provides a confidential and safe way for thousands of people to seek out partners, and it’s champions with tell you that it’s the perfect ‘modern’ way to find love in today’s busy world. I don't as such disagree with these champions; it’s not the use of the web for dating I think is wrong, it’s the way so many people use it.

Let's start with the profile, that all-important chance you have to 'sell' yourself. We are all aware that yes most of us find it incredibly hard to write a good profile, yes there will always be a few that find it easy, but not for most of us, and so for many of us we will begin to write as if we were sending a text. This is when the problems arise, where speed and impatience creep in. And this is at the very root of why so many people are disappointed with Internet dating in Australia. All of us are so stuck on the idea that the web provided quick answers for all our problems that we also seem to think that using it for dating on line will also bring fast results. We see the writing of our profile as just another form that needs to be filled out as quickly as possible, another page in the way of the results we crave.

Speed, and our addiction to it, also propels us to expect immediate results from any messages we send on these dating sites, if we haven’t had a reply in hours we move on and strike that person off our list. And what happens when we do get a reply? We go into instant text mode, firing off short message to each other, after a couple of hours of this we start to feel like we’re really starting to get to know this person well, but do we, of course not because we’re missing out on all the messages sent without words, their expressions and body language.  And so buoyed up by all the ‘text’ messages we arrange our first date.  Shock of shocks you meet up and find out you’re a couple of complete strangers! And most of the time this date doesn’t live up to your expectations, all your left with is the feeling that the web really might not be the great place to find love you thought it was, but with a different mind set it could be so different.

At the beginning of this article I said that I agree with the champions of Internet dating, I do, my problem lies in how most of us approach the task of dating on the web. And my advice for success is slow down and be realistic in your expectations. Start with an honest profile, even let friends help you, and be truthful, telling lies here about what you do for a job, or if you have kids for example is only going to let you down in the long run. All of this is going to make sure your profile attracts the right sort of person. Remember other members are real people, they have work and normal commitments just like you, so it can take a day or two for them to get your message. And when you do begin to talk and send messages don’t expect to be able to ever judge that this is that ‘special person’, take your time and be open mined. And talking of being open minded, remember that that first date is just that that, almost like a blind date. Think of that first date as a chance to make a new friend, enjoy your time together without trying too hard to see this person as a possible partner and lover. Take things slowly and remember all the great love affairs are grounded on friendship.

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Dating on line and why putting the kids first works?

As with so many couples today my partner and I are together after two previous long relationships, in the case of my partner a relationship that produced two great kids. And as someone more mature, and I’d like to think wiser, I’m often thinking why it’s worked out so well for us and yet not for others. In fact nowadays I’m often asked by friends how we got it to work so well for us. Is it me, do I somehow have some great way with kids? Well I don’t really think so, dating for parents isn’t easy, but with a little thought it can work, with a little forward planning it can lead to years of happiness.

As I say I don’t I’m special or somehow have a physic way with kids, but I did look to the past to see the way forward. You see I myself was brought up in a house where my mother lived with her new partner, you could say I had first hand knowledge of the kids point of view, both I’m afraid good and bad. When my wife and I started dating, as a single mother I knew she had to feel that this relationship would in no way make the kids un-happy or feel rejected, and so I had to make sure the children were content so that we had a fair chance of success in this new relationship, to me the key to successful dating for parents.

So what did I do? Well for one thing I knew, quite rightly, that the kids would always come first, and that meant that their father had to also come first. Yes I know the last thing you would think I’d think of, but you see to me making sure he was happy and knew that I wasn’t trying to replace him was important. With him on our side the children wouldn’t feel pulled between 2 couples. I set out from day one to get the kids to know that I was never going to replace him, from day one I told them to call me by my first name and that I was just their mothers boyfriend. From time to time they would complain about the long trip up to see him, and at these times I would always sit down with them and make sure they knew just how much he loved them and how much these trips meant to him. Did I like him, no and I still don’t, but I know that it’s vital to keep him on our side, for us and the children.

I also learned to share the burden of parenthood, I took it in turns with my partner to pick them up from school, to take them to their clubs and societies. From day one I shared this with my partner if I hadn’t I knew that she would just feel that I was feeling second best because they, as all kids are, were so demanding of her time. I learned to share her with them, knowing that they would come first and that it was hard enough being a single parent without having a jealous boyfriend kicking off all the time because they were monopolizing her time.

Don’t get me wrong there were bad times, but in the end by following a few simple rules all worked out OK for us. Dating for parents is never going to be as simple as for single people easy as it is for people who don’t have children, but my point is that if you walk in with your eyes open and learn to see the children as a bonus rather than competitors for your partners affection you are starting on the right foot. Learn to put them first and try to always be their friend rather than a substitute father figure. Starting a relationship with a single parent is not going to work for everyone out there, but for some of you trust me it can become the best decision you will ever make!

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